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Thorgonator

The true identity of Etheria's greatest villain!

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(This following has been done in lightheardted jest. Please do not take what you are about to read seriously. This is merely a diversion while we wait for DD:A)

 

Today, I bring news that may shake the very world of Etheria to its core. Allow me a few minutes of your time, and you may come to the same grim realization that I did. I am only juggling the numbers for DD2, but if the other iterations were also factored in, I don't believe the result would change much, if at all.

 

First, the numbers. Today, as I slew hordes of evil, vicious goblins in the name of Etheria, I took the time to count the waves. I noticed that, if averaged out between the spawn heavy maps like the Lost Temple (which can host upwards of 5000 enemies in a single match) and The Jacked Sparrow, and the sparsely populated maps like the Gates of Dragonfall or Siphon Site D, about 2000 enemies spawn in total in the average map.

 

Now, when weighed against my own Ascension level, not factoring the many maps played before Ascension and Ancient Power were a thing, over the last few years, I have played easily 3000 maps. This is a very conservative estimate, as the total number of matches I've played since the game's inception is probably MUCH higher than that. but we'll assume 3000 matches in total. Now, I am an endgame player, but I am far from the only one. On PS4 alone, there are at least 500 players who have put in as much, if not more time, than myself.  But, accounting for 3 platforms, we will assume 1500 players.

 

Now, assuming that I played 3000 maps, and slaughtered 2000 goblins and other assorted evil, ferocious, obviously despicable monsters in each map, that total is an astonishing 6 Million goblins dead by my hands. Multiplying that by the 1500 assumed players (remember, these are very conservative estimates, the actual number is probably astronomically higher), that is a total of 9 BILLION enemies slain.

 

But, looking back at the veritable sea of corpses in your wake, do you feel guilt? Do you feel remorse? Does the blood of countless Orc, Goblin, and Kobold families keep you up at night? Or do you feel a sense of pride at having defended Etheria from their Onslaught? But also, just look at the country's borders from within the town of Dragonfall. Nearly every notable landmark is within walking distance, from fiery Embermount to the majestic halls of Dragonfall Castle. Obviously, Dragonfall is a very small country. Based on the size of the area, the entire country looks to have maybe 25000 citizens in total. I'm going to be VERY generous, and say 1 million citizens. Which is absolutely unheard of for even the largest of all medieval settlements. As one can tell, a large portion of Etheria is clearly untamed wildland guarded by vicious beasts like Betsy, or unholy lands, tainted and uninhabitable from the influence of the undead. But should the desires of a mere million people be weighed against the obviously countless numbers of the Old Ones' forces?

 

The Old One's armies want nothing more than to unleash the Old Ones... But what then? I have seen no writings as to what would happen to the world should the Old Ones return, but clearly it would be a paradise for Orcs and the like. So we, in our hubris, feel that our tiny population of light dwellers deserves to rule the world more than the incredibly vast number of Goblins, Orcs, and Kobolds that also dwell within. Our opinion is clearly outweighed. 6 Million to one, going by my own numbers. We hold their leaders in prison, and slaughter them in the name of a royal family that uses an archaic system of rule that any civilised society has long since moved past (Our King? I didn't vote for him!), and hoard whatever wealth we can find.

 

Tell me, what do you call those powerful few who would rule over the masses against their will? We call them Dictators. Villains. Monsters. We call them.... US! That is right, We mercilessly slaughter goblins by the thousands in the name of coins, gemstones, motes, and small bits of leather and such. And then what? We do it again, that we might upgrade our gear to facilitate even more efficient Orc slaughtering! We are monsters! Horrible people that weigh the lives of thousands against a single ruby (2 if we're lucky!), and choose the ruby without a second thought.

 

But should we stop? Nay, I say. We should instead accept our role as heartless dictators and slaughterers of hordes! If someone calls you a villain, don't correct them. Accept the compliment! Double down on it, even.

 

Grow a long Mustache!

Wear a Monocle!

Tie someone to some train tracks!

Invest in a lap cat and a swivel chair!

Leave your cell phone on in a movie theatre! (Ok, maybe don't do that. We're not THAT evil. Gotta draw a line somewhere)

 

Yes, that is right, comrades. We are villains! And I, for one, accept this! And soon, in DD:A, we shall travel back in time, find those we have slaughtered in the past, and slaughter them AGAIN! I accept the role of villain with a wicked smile! And I suggest you do the same, as I think it may be preferable to living the lie of heroism. Crush Goblins with your iron fist! Oppress the Kobolds with your sheer strength of will! Dominate the Orcs with your sheer diabolical intellect. The realm of Etheria will be ours, and none shall stand in our way!

Edited by Thorgonator
Images and associated tags removed.
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This is a phenomenal post. Love it. Haha

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